While on the phone with Colleen, I was able to talk about tough stuff. Baby stuff…or rather no baby stuff without letting my emotions take over me. It wasn’t a long conversation, but she was asking how it was going and what has been done the far. She said to me “You’d think it would be easy for them just to find something! Can’t they just run a blood test and figure it out?” I 100% agree and told her that is one of my main sources of frustration in this process, because that’s how I tend to see it too. Why can’t they just pinpoint something! Anything! Then just…ya know…fix it.
On the ride from Manhattan to Cawker City, I decided to bring up a few conversations with Drew. I wanted to know is true thoughts on potential big plans for next summer. His hesitations. If he sees any positives. I tried to approach this in an unbiased way. Not convincing him one way or another, but just to truthfully get a feel for what he thought. After a while, I transitioned the conversation asking how he felt about our communication as a married couple. At times I feel he give me a “this is what I think Shannon wants to hear” answer rather than a simple truthful answer. I don’t think he does this on purpose and I can spot these responses most often. Both conversations were slightly uncomfortable, but in a good way. I was able to stay calm and not let my emotions take over. That seemingly small thing kept the conversation going down what I think was the right path.
Last weekend when Jake and Ashley were in town, we planned an impromptu trip out to the lake. Planned really wouldn’t be the right word. More like “Hey when are we going to go out to the lake? We’ve been talking about it forever!” Turns out Ashley’s family all decided to go on an impromptu trip to the beach in NC so the lake house happen to be free! Trip planned! We left last night from Manhattan and got here around 10:30. I hung out for a bit then fell asleep. I have no idea how long the others stayed up. I’m just really bad at staying up late and I was tired and I didn’t want to fight it, so I went to bed…well I went to couch because it was still super hot upstairs. I just love the mornings more than the evenings. And it is what it is.
It’s taken me what feels like an hour just to get to this point where I am right now. Sitting comfortably and writing. Sometimes I’ll start something and it just doesn’t feel quite right. I started writing, writing (like with a pen)…and decided I’d rather type, so I went and got my iPad. And now…now I am comfortable and now I can start. I have all that I need for a good while!
Living with Anxiety. It’ll be a journey. Is this who I am? Is anxiety who I am or am I someone who just feels anxious? Either way – I’m trying to learn to cope in a healthy way but man it sure gets on my nerves sometimes.
This week, I had a one-on-one meeting with my new boss. New as of this year…so I guess it’s been about 6 months now. Everything went well for a good while. I felt like I had things under control. My numbers looked good, I was prepared. Then I started talking about where I was at. My feelings about how things are going. I’d even tried to prepare myself in advance because for whatever reason, this is difficult for me. I think I struggle with what is “appropriate” to say to someone who is your boss and what could potentially hurt me professionally. Ya know – I wonder if I should be telling her that it’s getting harder to work from home. I’ve been doing it several years now. Yes – I’m good at it, but working alone all day, everyday makes a people person wonder what impact I am making on anyone. Should I be doing something more meaningful? Am I using the talents God gave me or do I just continue to do this because I’m good at it and it pays well? What is the end goal? Does she judge me because she thinks I can’t handle it? Could I be let go because I don’t seem happy in the work I’m doing, yet I’m still doing a good job? All of these things tend to come up in my head when I’m trying to say things in a general way… in a way that is less personal…in a way that just maybe I won’t be judged. And because I can’t seem to get out what I’m really thinking, I start crying. This is my reaction to anxiety. It makes me feel like a loser. Like no one can hear anything I’m saying because in the back of their mid they are thinking “why the hell is she crying? She can’t handle anything!” It makes me feel weak. Vulnerable. I see this as such a weakness in myself. I want to feel strong and confident without fear that I’m saying the wrong things to the wrong person.
Now it’s 9am. And I think I’ll have a drink.
I’ve never really gone back and read through my past journals. I guess I never really felt a need to. I don’t really write anything profound and It’s not too often I finish and think “Yeah… that was really good!”
Journaling kind of freaks people out. I find it relaxing in a way. A way to re-think about things and process them differently than when you were actually in the moment. I’ve been asked “What do you write?”. I write about events of the day mostly. Seemingly insignificant things. Then my thoughts about those events and activities of the day. That’s how I get started anyways. Then it typically seems to drift to other things. Things I wasn’t even aware that I was thinking. Other times I will read – then ponder & write.
Lately, I have been looking through past journals. I’m not sure why or what I’m looking for. Am I hoping that I will find something? Am I wanting to go back to another place in life?
My life feels out of equilibrium. Unbalanced. Perhaps I am looking for the time where I felt balance. Wondering what I can do to get back there.
This week, I was looking for something cute or a good verse to write on a card. Therefore, I did actually know my reason for looking though a 2014 journal. I stumbled across this:
It stood out to me the first time and I stared at it for a second and moved on. Then I found it again several pages later and thought “Maybe this is a sign. Maybe this is something God wants to tell me right now.” Later – I was cleaning out my office in an attempt to have ‘outer order contribute to inner calm’. I found it again. Written on a sticky note. This time I knew it was surely a sign. He knew I needed to see this. To put my focus back on Him.