For what it’s worth…I will pray for you.

It’s a fricken monsoon outside this morning.  So loud I can barely hear my own thoughts. The wind and rain are bitchslapping the side of the house and I’m trying to drown out the aggressive noise of the storm with music through my headphones.  Laughing out loud more than necessary about the bitchslapping analogy.

Now giggling, it’s hard for me to move into what I really want to write about this morning. So here it is. TRANSITION HERE.

“For what it’s worth…I will  pray for you.”

This is just one of the several loving, caring, amazing responses that I received yesterday.  Likes and Loves from those who took the time to read my first post shared with the world.  Simple “I love yous” and “thinking of yous.”  Women in my life reaching out via message to share their personal stories of infertility and heartbreak.  To all of you – Thank you.  For some, the responses may have come easy.  For others, and in which the category I fall, your response may have taken a while.  I have a hard time responding to personal, sad, hard, however you want to categorize it, situations.  I always think to myself “What can I even say that might bring this person any sort of comfort!”  I feel it is easier when I can directly relate, but sometimes I just feel sad that another human has to struggle like they are in that moment.

“For what it’s worth…I will pray for you.”

The truth is you may NOT be able to say anything at all that might bring this person comfort.  Sadness, Anger, Heartbreak, etc. are not simply cured by one person’s words.  Perhaps you don’t have a relatable story of your own.  But there is always prayer.  No one person can control life’s hard circumstances.  That comes from above.

I always feel a little weird saying “I’ll pray for you” to another person.  Do they take this to heart? Do they have faith in God? Or is this just an empty statement to them?  Whichever the case…sometimes it truly is all that we can do.  I’ve determined that I will say this more often.

“For what it’s worth…I will pray for you.”

It could mean little or everything to the recipient. However, the results are similar.  God will hear me pray for them.

Advertisements

Keep Calm & Talk About Tough Stuff

Yesterday
While on the phone with Colleen, I was able to talk about tough stuff.  Baby stuff…or rather no baby stuff without letting my emotions take over me.  It wasn’t a long conversation, but she was asking how it was going and what has been done the far. She said to me “You’d think it would be easy for them just to find something!  Can’t they just run a blood test and figure it out?”  I 100% agree and told her that is one of my main sources of frustration in this process, because that’s how I tend to see it too.  Why can’t they just pinpoint something! Anything! Then just…ya know…fix it.

Today
On the ride from Manhattan to Cawker City, I decided to bring up a few conversations  with Drew.  I wanted to know is true thoughts on potential big plans for next summer.  His hesitations. If he sees any positives.  I tried to approach this in an unbiased way.  Not convincing him one way or another, but just to truthfully get a feel for what he thought.  After a while, I transitioned the conversation asking how he felt about our communication as a married couple.  At times I feel he give me a “this is what I think Shannon wants to hear” answer rather than a simple truthful answer.  I don’t think he does this on purpose and I can spot these responses most often.  Both conversations were slightly uncomfortable, but in a good way.  I was able to stay calm and not let my emotions take over.   That seemingly small thing kept the conversation going down what I think was the right path.

 

 

Happy & Sad Can Co-Exist

There are dark times.  Days that are sad. Days when emotions take me captive to the point where I can only do a little at a time and all I want to do is doze in and out of sleep while watching useless shows on Netflix.  Sleep mainly because I feel like I can sleep off the emotions.  If I just went back to sleep, then I’d have a chance to restart again.  Try the day over again.  I really don’t know if that works, but I do know that I probably don’t get enough sleep and I guess I figured that sleep can’t hurt a person.  Plus it’s hard to feel emotions while you’re sleeping.  It’s  a method  of escape.  On the flip side, sometimes I feel like I should be doing anything and everything to keep my brain occupied.  I tend to have a large ‘to do’ list at any given moment. Things I could be doing.  Thinking that if I do just a few, I will gain a sense of pride and accomplishment to pull me out of my slump.  I haven’t quite figured out what counters the sad.  Because of this, I can get kidnapped by indecisiveness.  There are so many different things that could make me feel differently, but which one should I do.  Should I do any of them or should I just sleep?

I am learning.  I have been reading Real Happiness The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg.  It says it is a 28 day program, but I think God knew that’s not how I was supposed to go about it.  It’s like he’s given me one chapter at a time when the time is right and when I could really connect with the new information.  Week 1 of the program starts with simply breathing.  The program states to try 20 minute meditations and I though “Really? That’s a long time to just sit there!” But I tried it anyways.  I didn’t move past this chapter for a while.  I started with this just a few times a week.  Some weeks more frequently than others.  Though 20 minutes seemed long time at first, after practicing a few times, the 20 minutes was up and I thought “Already?”.  After I while, I moved onto Mindfulness and The Body.  Scanning each part of your body and relaxing it.  Also movement meditations, which I’m still not super great at.  There is a walking meditation that I keep trying, but to get the full effect I feel like I have to walk in slow motion and that’s something I just don’t think is in me.  I feel more comfortable with a still meditation.  I enjoy the body scans because they help me acknowledge and relax each part of myself.  The third part focuses on dealing with thoughts and feelings.  This was a scary one.  This is where God stepped in and didn’t give me this information until he knewI was ready.  In this part I learned a few key things. #1 You are not your emotion.  I feel sad does not translate into I am a sad person.  The analogy the book gave was that if you hit your elbow, it’s ridiculous to translate I have a sore elbow to I am a sore elbow.  Feeling humiliated does not translate to I am an idiot.  #2 I learned to identify an emotion and look at look at it from a distance.  From a curious standpoint.  Sometimes I can feel in a slump.  Cranky and not even know why I’m feeling that way.  I liked the meditation on emotions because after I sit there a while, the emotion I  am feeling tends to appear and I can ask myself what it is and why I feel this way.  I just now started on the 4th part of the program. LovingKindness.  Focusing on sending happy and loving thoughts to yourself and to others.  It sure takes all the steps to get to this one.  Calming your mind and identifying your own emotions must come before you can focus on giving peace to others.

There are good times even in sadness.  Proof came again yesterday that another month had gone by without conceiving. When this time came around the last two months, I haven’t dealt with it well.  My emotions take over and captivate me as described above.  I cried a lot and tried to blame it on the hormones rather than the true heartbreak.  I keep thinking it will get a little easier and I try not to get hopeful that this will be the month, but I can’t help but let a little pocket of hope fill my heart. It is sad.  Heartbreaking.  Frustrating.  We are doing everything by the book…or rather by the doctor.  I fill out my Creighton Model NaPro chart, take my continuously changing thyroid medication, B6, Mucinex and Progesterone as prescribed.  Why isn’t anything working? Though my husband holds it in, I can see the toll it takes on him too.  I foresaw it being a rough day, but I was also in the most beautiful place!  I decided to get my mind straight.  I work up early to watch the sunrise.  I prayed.  I meditated on my sadness and heartbreak.  Analyzed it from a distant viewpoint and realized that though I feel this now, just like the world is in constant change, these feelings too would pass.  I resolved in that moment to intentionally fill my love tank all day.  I left at 7am and drove 40 minutes over to Ha Ha Tonka State Park and found several trails to hike.  I explored and found the adventure that I’ve been desperately seeking.  I laughed at myself each time I accidentally ran into a spider web and freaked out.  After too much of that I learned to get a trusty spidy stick to clear the webs before I walked right into them!  After several hours of exploration, I headed back to the cabin.  Cooked up some bacon and eggs for brunch and spent the afternoon doing nothing but what I wanted to do.  I sat in and around the lake all day reading and soaking up the sun.  Ending the day with dinner and movies with three of my favorite people.  It was an amazing day!

Lake of The Ozarks

Last weekend when Jake and Ashley were in town, we planned an impromptu trip out to the lake.  Planned really wouldn’t be the right word.  More like “Hey when are we going to go out to the lake? We’ve been talking about it forever!”  Turns out Ashley’s family all decided to go on an impromptu trip to the beach in NC so the lake house happen to be free!  Trip planned! We left last night from Manhattan and got here around 10:30.  I hung out for a bit then fell asleep.  I have no idea how long the others stayed up.  I’m just really bad at staying up late and I was tired and I didn’t want to fight it, so I went to bed…well I went to couch because it was still super hot upstairs. I just love the mornings more than the evenings.  And it is what it is.

It’s taken me what feels like an hour just to get to this point where I am right now.  Sitting comfortably and writing. Sometimes I’ll start something and it just doesn’t feel quite right.  I started writing, writing (like with a pen)…and decided I’d rather type, so I went and got my iPad.  And now…now I am comfortable and now I can start.  I have all that I need for a good while!

Living with Anxiety.  It’ll be a journey.  Is this who I am? Is anxiety who I am or am I someone who just feels anxious?  Either way – I’m trying to learn to cope in a healthy way but man it sure gets on my nerves sometimes.

This week, I had a one-on-one meeting with my new boss.  New as of this year…so I guess it’s been about 6 months now. Everything went well for a good while.  I felt like I had things under control.  My numbers looked good, I was prepared.  Then I started talking about where I was at.  My feelings about how things are going.  I’d even tried to prepare myself in advance because for whatever reason, this is difficult for me.  I think I struggle with what is “appropriate” to say to someone who is your boss and what could potentially hurt me professionally.  Ya know – I wonder if I should be telling her that it’s getting harder to work from home.  I’ve been doing it several years now.  Yes – I’m good at it, but working alone all day, everyday makes a people person wonder what impact I am making on anyone.  Should I be doing something more meaningful?  Am I using the talents God gave me or do I just continue to do this because I’m good at it and it pays well?  What is the end goal?  Does she judge me because she thinks I can’t handle it? Could I be let go because I don’t seem happy in the work I’m doing, yet I’m still doing a good job?  All of these things tend to come up in my head when I’m trying to say things in a general way… in a way that is less personal…in a way that just maybe I won’t be judged.  And because I can’t seem to get out what I’m really thinking, I start crying.  This is my reaction to anxiety.  It makes me feel like a loser. Like no one can hear anything I’m saying because in the back of their mid they are thinking “why the hell is she crying? She can’t handle anything!”  It makes me feel weak.  Vulnerable.  I see this as such a weakness in myself.  I want to feel strong and confident without fear that I’m saying the wrong things to the wrong person.

Now it’s 9am.  And I think I’ll have a drink.

 

What do I write?

I’ve never really gone back and read through my past journals.  I guess I never really felt a need to.  I don’t really write anything profound and It’s not too often I finish and think “Yeah… that was really good!”

Journaling kind of freaks people out.  I find it relaxing in a way.  A way to re-think about things and process them differently than when you were actually in the moment.  I’ve been asked “What do you write?”.  I write about events of the day mostly.  Seemingly insignificant things.  Then my thoughts about those events and activities of the day.  That’s how I get started anyways.  Then it typically seems to drift to other things.  Things I wasn’t even aware that I was thinking.  Other times I will read – then ponder & write.

Lately, I have been looking through past journals.  I’m not sure why or what I’m looking for.  Am I hoping that I will find something?  Am I wanting to go back to another place in life?

My life feels out of equilibrium.  Unbalanced.  Perhaps I am looking for the time where I felt balance.  Wondering what I can do to get back there.

This week, I was looking for something cute or a good verse to write on a card.  Therefore, I did actually know my reason for looking though a 2014 journal.  I stumbled across this:

delight-yourself-in-the-lord-and-he-will-give-you-the-desires-of-your-heart

It stood out to me the first time and I stared at it for a second and moved on.  Then I found it again several pages later and thought “Maybe this is a sign.  Maybe this is something God wants to tell me right now.”  Later – I was cleaning out my office in an attempt to have ‘outer order contribute to inner calm’.  I found it again.  Written on a sticky note.  This time I knew it was surely a sign.  He knew I needed to see this. To put my focus back on Him.