A Turning Point

When you are in the dark valley, separate yourself, and know that that is not who you are.  

This is a paraphrase of something Fred said during our 20 minutes of meditation.  This is something meditation has taught me and that I have to continue to remember.  Your feelings are not who you are.  Though sometimes, that is the very source of my anxiety.  You see…my true self, my normal Shannon is happy, healthy, fun loving, optimistic and energetic.  I go through times in my life when I don’t feel this way and I do not feel like my normal self.  I feel it and sometimes I recognize it.  Sometimes it’s harder to recognize.  I feel anxious. Sad.  Worried.  This is the side that I am so hesitant to show anyone.  I feel that those around me expect me to be the normal Shannon all of the time and as much as I want to be, sometimes I’m not.  I am also not the type that can hold that in and only show who I want to show.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve – or rather on my face – and truly feel like they are not something to be afraid of.  I don’t want to be pretending to have my shit together when I don’t.  Then I bottle it all up inside and explode.  My exploding comes in the form of crying and I sometimes don’t even know what I am crying about.

My mind takes me back to October of 2015.  Interviews of for District Manager and Assistant Sales Manager.  I am still slightly haunted by these interviews, but also know now that they were a big turning point for me and I really have learned so much from them.  As I write this, I’m pulling at my heart to not feel ashamed.  The company was restructuring and with that came multiple openings.  Positions I am well qualified for and something I’ve wanted ever since starting my professional career.  This is what I want, right?  My husband agreed that if I did want to apply, and if I did get it, we’d figure it out.  I applied toward the end of the week and the interview was set for the following week.  That Monday, as I took Abby for a walk down the center of the dirt roads just blocks from my home, I cried.  Bawled actually.  Pleaded.  I asked the Lord to help me get my shit together!  Can  you say that to God? I did.  I walked and thought about the reasons why we were here in Cawker City and the reasons why I wanted this job.  I contemplated cancelling the interview.  Was I ready for this?  Is it right?  Right now?  I convinced myself to go through with it because this was what I always wanted! 

It was awful.  I was unprepared, NOT CONFIDENT, timid.  These are not qualities you want in a leader.  What happened to the confident Shannon that kicks ass at her job and inspires others to kick ass?  Where is SHE right now?  I should’ve listened to my body.  God was giving me all the signs that it was just not the right time.  Instead I brushed them off as nerves and worrying too much about the future if I did actually get the job.  Luckily, He’s revealed the other purposes he had in me not getting that job and for that I am thankful.  I then applied for the Assistant Manager position.  This interview was better, but I could feel my anxious heart was still not in it 100% and so could those asking the questions.  I am thankful for their intuition.  I know they were rooting for me and only want the best for me.  

I am so thankful for the conversation I had post-2nd interview.  Someone who said to me “I’ve been where you are! I know how you feel!  This is something we need to get under control and I want to help you do that!  So how the heck do we go about it?” 

During this time I felt so out of control.  Is this just who I am?  Am I someone who cannot control her emotions at all?  Am I just an emotional person?  Am I just a cryer?  I was so humiliated and sometimes I still pass by these people and wonder if they think the same.  I refused to accept that.  I did not believe it.  I will figure it out.  

Which takes me back to the beginning.  

When you are in the dark valley, separate yourself, and know that that is not who you are.

I am not a cryer.  I am someone who cries sometimes when I’m not in tune enough to figure out my emotions.

I am not a sad, unmotivated person.  I am someone who is allowed to feel sad and unmotivated at times and recognize that it too, will change.

As I write this, I am grateful.  So very grateful for this sucky little journey that the Lord put me through and pray that my sucky little journey makes someone else out there feel less alone.

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