A Letter To My Husband

I am posting this because it’s something that couples go through and I felt it should be out there.  I sat on it for a while, because I didn’t want to upset Drew or make him seem like he’s not doing anything.  He is so supportive and has attended all of my appointments and meetings with Lindy for Napro.  He’s been positive when I could not be.  He’s seen my lowest of low and craziest of crazy and he still loves me and wants babies with me! The hardest posts to post are the ones that could potentially reach someone who needs it. So here goes!

The thing is – is that I know you care.  But lately I’ve been feeling like you’re not doing anything about it.

You do so much for me.  You make sure that my yard is beautiful, you take out the cat litter, you take out the trash, you do my dishes when I don’t and I know you hate it when I don’t.  Any request of mine, you see it happens.  Sometimes gladly, sometimes reluctantly, but it happens.  When there’s a week when we practically haven’t seen each other at all, you leave me little notes in my office before you leave for work so I can find them when I get home from the gym.  I still cannot express to you how much it meant to me that you wrote the letter for our referral paperwork to Dr. Hilgers in Omaha.  That was truly the most loving gesture ever!!  You are a wonderful husband and I’m so glad you’re mine.

I’m feeling alone in our battle with infertility right now.  Last night – I really felt it.  I feel like it’s me who is doing everything and you think you’re playing your part by not drinking and smoking.  And yes – I’m proud of you for that!  I have been reading. Reading. Reading. Trying to find out what is going to help.  This book is long.  But it’s also very informational.  I think you think books are just stupid.  That it’s not a book that is going to help us get pregnant, it’s a doctor.  But why couldn’t it be both?  What if there’s something in this book that does the trick, naturally, without much intervention.  Of course there’s always the “What if it doesn’t?”.  If anything, it sure has taught me a lot about what could be the problem.  It’s helped me go into doctors appointments and know what the doctor is talking about when she says things like luteal phase, follicular phase, FSH, HCG, etc.  To me – that’s worth it.  It lowers my anxiety knowing that I have some knowledge of what she’s talking about and I’m not relying on someone else to teach me everything I should know about how to conceive.

Last night – as you flipped through Netflix trying to find something to watch and told me about this strange clown story you read about in the news, I was reading about Endometriosis, PCOS, Hypothyroidism.  I ordered baby aspirin because it’s supposed to help build up my endometrium.  I couldn’t help but think to myself – “I’m  glad you have time to read about clowns and watch a couple movies on Netflix. I’ve been reading this book about infertility for over an hour today.”  Everyone needs their down time, and I get that.  I know that I don’t do a very good job of relaxing. I can’t help it that sometimes I see sitting in front of the TV for a couple of hours a waste of time.

I guess at this point, I don’t really care how you get the information – as long as you’re getting it.  I want you to be knowledgable about these things too so that you know what the doctor is talking about too. That in itself – makes me feel less alone.  I know it’s my body that’s not working right. I know that you’ll read about things and not necessarily know how it applies because it’s my body and not yours.  I’m doing all that I can in attempts to get my body on track. I’m eating lots of colorful foods, flaxseeds, whole organic milk.  I’m taking 12 pills a day and giving myself HCG shots. I’m attempting a mind-body connection using a program to meditate on my uterus and weekly acupuncture.  I’m doing all that I know what to do.  But it’s still us.  We are still in this together.  And the balance is a little off.

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