What More Can We Do?

I woke up crying this morning. That’s fun.  What a way to start a Sunday…or any day for that matter…but especially Sunday.  A day where all I have to do is figure out what I’m going to do all day.  No real structure to keep my mind off of things.

I was dreaming.  Recalling it now, I really traveled all over the place last night with no real purpose.  I was at a lake going up and down windy roads trying to find someone, but not sure who I was in search of.  I was in a busy crowded bar district with Ashley.  We’d found a slightly less crowded bar that served hot dogs and Drew and Jake were coming to meet us.  I’m not sure if they ever made it and I don’t believe we ate any hot dogs.  Later I was in a hospital…not as a patient, but visiting someone. Not sure who, but we were staying overnight and all I wanted was a place to cook some chicken.  For some reason, they had a place at this hospital that looked like a kitchen section from Nebraska Furniture Mart.  No George Foreman though so I had to cook my chicken in a pan.  Then we left the kitchen.

The next part I remember vividly and I’m not even sure where this scene took place.   I sat at a table with a familiar acquaintance, though no one I actually knew, with a full whiskey diet in my hand.  Young and unmarried, she told me about her brand new baby.  Trying my hardest to love and be light-hearted like I know I should.  Trying my hardest to not judge and wonder why.  I chugged my drink, woke up crying and said to myself “What more can we do?”

What more can we do? What more can we do? Repeating over and over in my head.

I got out of bed and wondered what to do with myself.  I kind of wanted to jump in my car and drive to my mom’s…because well…sometimes I just need my mom.  I wondered if Vicki would be home this morning too.  I would love to see them both right now.  Too bad I have a meeting this afternoon about a presentation Monday that I haven’t worked on at all.

I got back into bed, snuggled with my husband and told him I love him.  I got up and decided to write.

What more can we do?

I’m just not convinced that we’re doing all that we can here.  The first doctor says “Try for a year and if nothing happens come back.”  No real direction. No information on what works. Is this something I should’ve maybe looked more into myself? Yes. But is this also information that should’ve been at least discussed by the professional. Yes.  After that we tried Clomid to get things regular.  That helped to get things regular, but didn’t do the trick.  –Ha! The trick.  I just called making a baby a trick and now I’m laughing.  Thinking about someone explaining to a young kid where babies come from.  “It’s a magic trick! Just poof! There’s a baby!”–

I was referred to Dr. Hogan but before I saw her I had to have at least 6-8 weeks of Napro charting completed.  I cried when I’d heard this..more waiting!  Whatever, I guess. Do what a gotta do.  So we went to Lindy.  Lindy taught us the Creighton Model system. I am grateful for learning this and it came at a time when I was teaching high school kids about Theology of the Body.  I am truly amazed how God designed the body to work and the two combined gave me a whole new viewpoint on birth control.  I am grateful that my husband attends every session with me and helps me with it.

However, there is something that still haunts me.  Before Drew and I got married, we went through our Engaged Encounter in Manhattan. Part of the program is natural family planning and learning about the Creighton Model System because the Catholic Church is against birth control.  On birth control at the time, we walked out of there and I remember us saying to each other “Yeah…we’ll probably only use that if we’re actually trying to have a kid.” And here we are.

I noticed as I was thinking and writing that I keep referring to I.  I need to remember that this is a WE and sometimes that is hard.

We have now seen Dr. Hogan a couple of times and are trying to stay hopeful in thinking of this as our new beginning of trying.  I went alone the first time since I figured it was just a consultation.  After the stress of trying to relay the information to Drew, I decided I probably shouldn’t go to another baby making appointment alone.  She ordered blood work to see if I was ovulating.  Turns out I was too stressed out after that and my body decided not to.  She also ordered a pelvic sonogram which revealed nothing out of the ordinary except two things.  I’m a very hydrated person and don’t need to drink a ton of water before said appointment.  And a $600 bill.  Holy shit.  The price of baby making is really cutting into my debt snowball.  Part of me is grateful that everything seems to be in working order, the other part of me is pissed off because everything seems to be in working order.  The second time we saw her, she sent us over the lab right away and this time I had ovulated, so that’s good news, right?  Also – I am now a professional at getting my blood drawn and I don’t even have to lay down anymore!  Since then, she’s doubled my thyroid medication twice and we go back to see her next week.

I already have anxiety about this visit and it’s a week and a half away.  If I feel like I do now, there’s no way I’ll be able to hold it together.  I’m sick of the trial and error approach.  I want some sort of diagnosis.  But is this just what this process is? Trial and error?  Or is there another way.  I don’t know.

What more can we do?

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