Ladies Night

Last night Colleen hosted ladies night at the studio.  We had a drinks, ate chips and dip, and painted!  There were only a few of us there this time, but we still had a good time and the painting was fun!  Kelsey walked us through the steps of creating our own little masterpiece.  An abstract background with a monogram.  As I constructed my background, I pondered what I might put on top of it.  I already have a bunch of big Ds all over my house!  And I just wasn’t sure where I’d put another one or that I needed another one.  I pondered, drank a little more Effin Cucumber Vodka, and pondered some more.  Added some more paint, and pondered some more.  I wanted it to be practical.  I will put it in my office.  I ended up with a pretty little canvas painting with the words “get shit done.”  Because sometimes you just have to get shit done.

Ladies night gives me a little anxiety.  I didn’t have much leading up to it.  It was in a comfortable, familiar location.  I knew Kelsey and Colleen would be there.  I don’t really have social anxiety and I was definitely excited to be getting out of the house for while.  It wasn’t until after I arrived.

Sometimes I just feel like I don’t fit in.  I’m 28 married to an almost 32 year old with no kids.  Most people my age have them and it is definitely the topic of many discussions in which I just hang out like a wallflower with not much to contribute to the conversation.  I realize these conversations are totally normal.  I do understand that the world does not revolve around me and people shouldn’t feel the need to be conscious that I don’t have any kids and like – try not to talk about them.  Nor do I want to dive into all the things I’m doing to try to get them!  I’m simply explaining a feeling.  Usually the baby and kid talk are heavy toward the beginning of a gathering and this is kind of my moment of truth.  Time to check in.  How are my emotions going to hold up?

How will my emotions hold up when I so badly want to be a part of those conversations?  I want to do mom things.  I want to know the love that they know for their kids.  I want to go to the carnival, go to Finding Dori, go to kid things without feeling like the weirdo that doesn’t have kids.  Yes – I know that I can go enjoy these activities and ‘date night’, but even then it’s just a hard realization that you’re like the only one there without a little human.  Heck, I even want to deal with the poopy exploding diapers they talked about.

I find myself headed to the bathroom just to take a minute.  I just sat on the floor for a second to breathe.
In…
Out…
In…
Out…
In…
Out…

I emerged after flushing just water down the toilet.  I am proud of myself.  Proud for recognizing that these feelings too would pass and to let myself enjoy the company of some great ladies.  To be present in the moment and not hop on the worry train wondering when and if I’ll ever be able to join in on these conversations.

So for now, I am the wallflower… I don’t necessarily like it, but I guess it’s better than being an angry sticker patch that no one wants to be around!

P.S. I totally whipped a U-ie on the highway with my newly painted canvas on top of my car!  I was almost home before I realized it and to my surprise it had not been hit by a semi and was still in tact when I found it on the right lane of the highway!! YAY!

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1 thought on “Ladies Night”

  1. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve never felt like I fit in anywhere. With or without kids. Right or wrong I’m still searching for that peace within me. I hope you find your peace before I find mine. Love you so much!!

    Liked by 1 person

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