Last weekend when Jake and Ashley were in town, we planned an impromptu trip out to the lake. Planned really wouldn’t be the right word. More like “Hey when are we going to go out to the lake? We’ve been talking about it forever!” Turns out Ashley’s family all decided to go on an impromptu trip to the beach in NC so the lake house happen to be free! Trip planned! We left last night from Manhattan and got here around 10:30. I hung out for a bit then fell asleep. I have no idea how long the others stayed up. I’m just really bad at staying up late and I was tired and I didn’t want to fight it, so I went to bed…well I went to couch because it was still super hot upstairs. I just love the mornings more than the evenings. And it is what it is.
It’s taken me what feels like an hour just to get to this point where I am right now. Sitting comfortably and writing. Sometimes I’ll start something and it just doesn’t feel quite right. I started writing, writing (like with a pen)…and decided I’d rather type, so I went and got my iPad. And now…now I am comfortable and now I can start. I have all that I need for a good while!
Living with Anxiety. It’ll be a journey. Is this who I am? Is anxiety who I am or am I someone who just feels anxious? Either way – I’m trying to learn to cope in a healthy way but man it sure gets on my nerves sometimes.
This week, I had a one-on-one meeting with my new boss. New as of this year…so I guess it’s been about 6 months now. Everything went well for a good while. I felt like I had things under control. My numbers looked good, I was prepared. Then I started talking about where I was at. My feelings about how things are going. I’d even tried to prepare myself in advance because for whatever reason, this is difficult for me. I think I struggle with what is “appropriate” to say to someone who is your boss and what could potentially hurt me professionally. Ya know – I wonder if I should be telling her that it’s getting harder to work from home. I’ve been doing it several years now. Yes – I’m good at it, but working alone all day, everyday makes a people person wonder what impact I am making on anyone. Should I be doing something more meaningful? Am I using the talents God gave me or do I just continue to do this because I’m good at it and it pays well? What is the end goal? Does she judge me because she thinks I can’t handle it? Could I be let go because I don’t seem happy in the work I’m doing, yet I’m still doing a good job? All of these things tend to come up in my head when I’m trying to say things in a general way… in a way that is less personal…in a way that just maybe I won’t be judged. And because I can’t seem to get out what I’m really thinking, I start crying. This is my reaction to anxiety. It makes me feel like a loser. Like no one can hear anything I’m saying because in the back of their mid they are thinking “why the hell is she crying? She can’t handle anything!” It makes me feel weak. Vulnerable. I see this as such a weakness in myself. I want to feel strong and confident without fear that I’m saying the wrong things to the wrong person.
Now it’s 9am. And I think I’ll have a drink.